Well, this is not what I was hoping for.

It seems that, since losing my job, I have gained a little over 10 pounds. That might not sound like a huge deal but I have been struggling with my weight my entire life. My weight fluctuates so much that I can't usually keep up with it. After starting the factory, it stayed pretty steady. I guess I assumed I would gain some weight after I lost my job. That was kind of a given. I was lifting, twisting, bending, turning, etc. for 8 hours a day. Obviously I'm not going to be doing that at home. I had accepted that.

But what the fuck. I've been eating pretty decently, lately. It's cold outside all of the time and, being an asthmatic, it's hard for me to do too much out when it's like this. It's so frustrating. I am very frustrated at this point.

Also, unemployment is going horribly and finding a job is going even worse.

If I knew another language, I would swear in that language right now.

Nostalgia.

Sometimes when I'm driving alone, I pretend I'm back in high school. My backpack in my backseat. (It usually is, anyway.) Watching the rain hit the windshield, while sometimes sad songs play through my speakers. I pretend I'm driving home to do Algebra and write papers in my room. Maybe take a nap. Possibly go to work. I drive the same roads.

Then it hits me..how the fuck am I supposed to pay my rent?

And all is lost.

This fucking apartment.

It is 1147pm on a Sunday evening. A week ago today, I had one day left of break before work. I no longer have that dread, which is somewhat freeing.

I've been laying on my bed, listening to water bubble and drip (loudly) in the walls. I didn't really know how shitty this apartment was until somewhat recently. Until last week, you could just use your shoulder to push the door open..when it was locked. (There was someone trying to get into the downstairs neighbor's house on Christmas eve. Needless to say, the cops were called three times and found absolutely no one.) If it's wet or cold for too long, we get this nice sewer gas smell that overtakes the entire house. You can't burn candles, because sewer gas is flammable. (I found out my neighbor burns candles to get rid of the smell. It makes me incredibly nervous.) We have a candle warmer, which isn't strong enough. We run water down the drains and it doesn't help. I usually just get frustrated, turn the heat off and open the door to the porch. (Well..cheap gas bill, I suppose.) The walls are painted an awful hospital room white in te kitchen. The living room walls are nice, except they chose to panel it like..1/4th of the way up and chose two different types for two different sides of the living room. Only two of the living room windows open and only one of them has a legitimate screen. (There are six windows in the living room.) It's just..I cannot.

Anyway, let's talk about cocaine.
It has come to my attention that many of my fellow Northwest Ohioans enjoy snorting cocaine. This is absolutely hilarious to me. Mostly because the trend all of these people followed was Beer>Weed>Cocaine. Like..there was no beating around the bush. These are former straight edge kids/decent kids/pretty much everyone but a select few people. That is seriously the drug of choice here. Let me give you some facts about the town I live in.

Population: 10,000
My graduating class:221
What my town is known for: The largest Campbell Soup company in the world.

AND NOW WE'RE DOING COCAINE?!
Okay, okay. I get it. We are roughly 30 minutes away from the STD capital of the United States, but can't we just keep them all there? I guess the best part about this is that people tweet about it and they update Facebook about it. I mean, come on. Really?

Society has taken a strong downward beating. It doesn't seem like it's turning around all too quickly, either.

Anyway, I started this post three hours ago, with all intentions to finish it three hours ago. I got sidetracked. I have a sinus infection and I have many things to do tomorrow.

Goodnight, world.

Megan

The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive. (The second beginning.)

I'm done with all of the old, depressing bullcrap. No more. This is a new start to a new Megan.

It's only after you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything. -Chuck Palahniuk


This quote is relevant because (dun dun dun)...I lost my job on Thursday. Well why did I go and do a thing like that? (Seems to be a common response from my family members.) You know, I just decided that the work force was done with me. I've put in my 8 years (out of 22 years alive) in the workforce. I think It's time for me to be done with it. (NOPE.)

But really. Shit happens, and we move on. And, as of now, I am moving on. API can suck my countertops. I'm done with them. (Totally fine by me. I hated that job anyway.) So, for now, it's back to government assistance and not having nice things for awhile. I'm honestly..okay with that. In some weird, fucked up way. I hate it. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks. But I'm okay with it. When I fall down like this, I realize what I had before and I stop taking so much for granted. I start appreciating things again. So maybe I should fuck up my life every 10-15 years and start over. Or, you know, whenever I get bored. (Which would, unfortunately, be far more frequent than one would like to imagine.)

It's like a new start. I could be a fireman(woman), or a painter, or a hooker. Orrrr something far less complicated. (With 40+ hours a week and insurance benefits.)

I don't know. But this is it. This is where I turn everything I knew before, and make it huge.

Megan